Midlife Decisions: Stick with Good or Go for Great?
Stick with Good or Go for Great?
I often work with individuals in their 40s and 50s who find themselves at a crossroads, evaluating their life options. They seek coaching in midlife to access clarity, purpose, and empowerment to make pivotal decisions.
Many of these folks grapple with the choice between staying in a situation that feels comfortable yet stagnant or taking the risk to make a change and pursue something that might offer greater fulfillment.
If you’re considering reinvention, experiencing a midlife crisis or seeking more in midlife, you’re not alone:
a survey by the Pew Research Center found that nearly 40% of workers aged 40 and older are contemplating a career change
the National Centre for Family & Marriage Research reports that the divorce rate for adults aged 50 and older has roughly doubled over the past 25 years, often referred to as the ‘gray divorce’ trend
a study published in Psychology Today found that around 40% of midlife adults report feeling unsatisfied in their long-term relationships, which can drive the desire for change
a study conducted by American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) found that 70% of adults aged 50 and older desire greater personal fulfillment and are willing to make significant life changes to achieve it
But what are the downsides of aspiring for more in midlife?
research published in the Journal of Behavioral Decision Making indicates that the stress of making significant life decisions can lead to higher levels of anxiety and decreased life satisfaction
midlife career changes and divorce and separations often come with significant financial risk
Whether contemplating a relationship, career, or living situation, my clients often feel stuck in conditions that no longer align with their aspirations - but also nervous about the risk of change. They often grapple with their choices for a very long time and the chronic indecision can be exhausting.
I have profound empathy for those moments when your reality is ‘good’ - or ok - but not great.
It’s uncomfortable when you’re committed to the life you have but part of you longs for something else. Compelling alternatives may sparkle in your imagination… but also would not be guaranteed on the other side of a leap of faith.
Self-doubt often manifests at these times:
Do I trust myself to know what I really want or need?
Are my longings worth disrupting so much and so many?
Is what I want likely and worth pursuing or am I running after fool’s gold?
How do you know when to embrace ‘good enough’ and honor what you’ve got?
When might it be wise to risk an ending and open up space for something new?
The Familiar Known vs the Uncertain Unknown
Did you ever watch The Price is Right, hosted by Bob Barker? At the end of each show, one contestant had to choose between two showcases. One display might offer a modest set of prizes, while the other could reveal a spectacular array of rewards (with women in bikinis lounging on a new car, to boot. My god, the 80’s!).
But the tricky part was that you had to say yes or no to the revealed Showcase One - without yet knowing what Showcase Two contained behind the closed curtain.
The first showcase often revealed a moderate, mid-range assortment of prizes. So, with Bob flashing huge smiles and little time to consider, people had to choose:
Would they accept the option in front of them and, by doing so, sacrifice the alternate, invisible choice behind the second curtain?
Or would they take the risk to choose the unknown option, risking ending up with either more or less than what was already available to them?
This analogy perfectly captures the tension inherent in a stay or go dilemma: settle for the known and ‘good enough’ option or take a risk for the chance of something extraordinary - but also the possibility of unredeemed loss or disappointment?
When considering letting go of our current situation - whether it's a job, home, or relationship - we often fantasize about the potential for something better. Yet, the uncertainty of what lies beyond can make the decision excruciatingly difficult.
It’s tempting to imagine something more fulfilling for ourselves: perhaps we could be more content in another situation. But we also might lose more than we bargained for: our fantasies may not come to fruition - or they might, but our future realities could fall short of what we imagine.
We may fear that we’ll release something real - and perhaps even more valuable than we currently perceive - for what will later prove to be simply ‘sandcastles in the air.’ While this catastrophizing is distorted thinking, it can feel like we risk being left with nothing, full of regret.
Or we may wonder: if we make a huge relationship, life or career shift only to have it replaced by something comparably fulfilling - just different - then is it worth it to upend our status quo? Does the sacrifice and stress even make sense if there is no great gain to follow?
In The Price is Right, at least you were forced to make a quick choice: the cameras were rolling, the clock was ticking, you could barely think for Bob rattling on - there was almost no time to reflect or run some probabilities calculus. You had to rip off the bandaid, make a choice, and promptly live with the outcome.
Whereas, in our lives, we might stay in a ‘meh’ situation grappling with analysis paralysis for months or YEARS because we struggle to let go of our ‘familiar known’ to risk navigating the ‘uncertain unknown.’
Uncertainty is stressful for the brain. It would be so much easier if we knew what was behind Curtain B, right?! Then the choice might be obvious.
Sometimes we are able to peek behind the curtain of potential futures, to gain a glimpse of what our own personal ‘Showcase Two’ might hold. That is, perhaps you can do something like:
take a sabbatical from work and dip your toe in a new career direction
negotiate a trial separation with your spouse or opening up your marriage
travel or rent to illuminate what a different place might feel like as a new home
test out your business idea with a side hustle
Such experiments can help us gather data to make a more informed decision, reducing the sense of the future being so unknowable. At the same time, it often seems that, to truly open up space to explore, consider and commit to new paths, we are forced to navigate endings and release ourselves (and others) from existing structures and commitments.
That is, we have to let go of one path or reality to explore and discover what else is possible - and we don’t get to know in advance if the choice will feel ‘worth it.’
For most of us, that’s scary.
When what already have is good (but not great) it can be extra hard to make a choice. I’m sending you a big whoosh of empathy if you struggle with ambivalence in this context.
If your reality is wonderful or terrible, then decisions can be easier.
I mean, if you’re navigating a crappy, bare-minimum situation - experiencing something deeply lacking, toxic or painful - then you face a stark simplicity. It’s wise to let go: you have little to lose and much to gain.
Conversely, if you’re deeply fulfilled or believe that what you have is precious or rare, you know you’d be a damn fool to jump ship. If you were on The Price is Right, you’d be happily declaring to Bob that you’ll stick with Showcase One, whatever lies behind Showcase Two be damned. The odds are already in your favour!
But good, sufficient, the middling path? It’s a crap shoot. What the hell should you do?
If asked to grade your job, partner or home, you might assign them a B or a C - not terrible, but not great, either. You wonder if it’s enough for you.
In midlife, the dilemma of whether to settle with ‘good-enough’ or pursue ‘great’ can feel extra charged. Let’s explore why this might be so…
Why Midlife Can Feel Like Such a Pressure Cooker:
There are many reasons decision-making may feel challenging in midlife.
Here are some common factors I see alive for my clients (and me!):
We relate to our finitude with more gravitas. When we’re young, life is oriented to beginnings, possibilities and potential. As we mature, the years seem to spin by faster and the realities of aging, illness, and endings are closer at hand. We may be more attuned to the need to plan for our future security.
This reckoning with our mortality can ratchet up the internal pressure in two ways: it can heighten our longing to live our lives well, to make the most of whatever time remains. We may feel less willing to settle or compromise our own authenticity or happiness and yet, simultaneously…
The stakes are (or feel) higher. Decisions may be more fraught, with less imagined time to experiment or to make or recover from a ‘mistake.’ We’ve invested (often years of) time, money and energy in what we have - so, it can feel like there is legitimately a lot to lose.
Ageism (external, internalized or both) can reduce our confidence that we’ll achieve the realities we want. The perception or reality of scarcity may make it harder to tolerate risk or to keep faith in our dreams.
Illness | mobility changes: our health (or that of our loved ones) may be more vulnerable and thus we may place greater value on stability and security than we did when more physically robust. These factors can add decision-making criteria that we didn’t have to contend with prior.
Our responsibility and commitment load is high. In midlife, we are often highly productive - in careers and caregiving. Understanding that our choices will significantly impact people who rely on us may make decisions feel much weightier than in early stages of our lives, when fewer people depended on us.
In young adulthood, we may have thought that brave decisions provided us little to lose and much to gain. In midlife, this proposition may feel inverse: we may hold the belief that we have a lot more to lose and a lot less to gain. With this in mind, the perception of risk and threat may feel higher.
At the same time, with life experience, maturity, and witnessing others growing and evolving, we have more capacity than ever to know our needs, values and to trust our power and our instincts.
And damn it, we want to live rich, vibrant lives! We want to feel clear, purposeful, creative and vital.
So, let’s explore how you can feel resourced with decision-making in midlife.
16 Strategies for Empowered Decision-Making in Midlife:
Expand your perspective: write down 8-10 actions you could take in your situation. This is enough to move you beyond limited and narrow thinking, yet hopefully not too many to overwhelm you. Sometimes you need to find a creative and transcendent ‘third way’ that you won’t see if you’re laser-focused on only two options. Help yourself break out of binary thinking that only ratchets up the pressure.
Address self-doubt: Reflect on whether you trust yourself to identify your true needs and desires. You may have a protective pattern of overthinking and waiting to feel ready that holds you back. I’m a certified Self-Belief Coach and I’m passionate about helping people transform their relationship with self-doubt. Book a free chat with me to explore getting unstuck and becoming a more resourced decision-maker.
Take action, any action: if you are struggling with indecision and ambivalence, do something. When you make a real move in the real world (not in your head!), you’ll move the dial forward. You’ll learn something or change something that can yield deeper clarity. For examples: have an honest conversation; say something brave and true out loud; make a proposal; call a lawyer; set up an Information Interview. While waiting and patience have their place, consider the power of brave - imperfect, uncertain - action.
Consider timing & capacity: take stock if the potential changes you want are valuable enough to warrant disruption. Some moments in our lives are more robust than others to de-structure or restructure our lives. Do you have the capacity for significant change right now? Get real about your energy, finances, time, etc…(Simultaneously: remember the old adage that there is no perfect time and you’re more capable, durable and resourceful than you think!)
Evaluate risks and rewards: Assess whether the potential benefits outweigh the risks of making a change. Are you pursuing something genuinely fulfilling or chasing after unattainable ideals? Write down your perceptions to reduce fruitless rumination and to gain clarity on your thinking. You may also want to speak to others to gain perspective on your thinking and to challenge limiting assumptions - like a coach or a person you respect who has done something similar to what you’re contemplating.
Experiment and explore: Where possible, test new paths through temporary changes or smaller commitments before making a major decision.
Anchor in your values: Know what matters most to you. Identifying your core values can be a powerful way to support yourself in making powerful decisions. For example, if security is your highest value, then you might make a very different choice than if ambition, freedom or intimacy matter most to you. To help clarify your values, Brené Brown has free related resources: Part 1 here, and Part 2 here.
Lean into trust: Are you longing for certainty and control? How might you relax into the mystery of your unfolding life? Can you think of other times you took risks and it worked out well - or at least you survived and did ok? Remind yourself of your resilience.
Commit OR recommit: ambivalence is exhausting. It’s draining be ‘one foot in, one foot out’ in any important area of your life. Instead of remaining psychically in limbo, can you either: commit to brave new directions OR recommit to your status quo? That is, if you choose to stay with good, how can you engage your life in a fresh and creative way, so that you known you’re making the very best of your situation? If this feels overwhelming, ask yourself what is the tiniest step you could commit to?
Access your body compass: imagine that you’ve made a particular choice and then paint the picture for yourself of the potential future that has unfolded because you made that decision. Talk aloud or deeply think through the trajectory. As you imagine the future, pay attention to your BODY: notice its sensations, energy, emotions. Then imagine a different future, informed by an alternate choice. Keep moving through your options, paying attention to your body and the wisdom it provides. If thoughts keep intruding on your ability to stay attuned to your body, write the thoughts down and try to return to scanning your body. Consider respecting the option(s) that feel most expansive or relaxed in your body. One of my mentors, Martha Beck, says: ‘trust the body’s truth over the mind’s lie.’
Build your risk-tolerance: Whatever you choose, you’ll have to navigate risk and loss. There is no way to bypass that reality. There is no safe or perfect decision. Which risks feel most worthwhile, brave and important to you at this time, no matter what outcomes unfold?
Focus on what you want: help your brain shift out of a stress response of worrying about what you don’t want and intentionally focus on positive, enlivening possibilities. I often encourage my clients to write a letter to: the divine, the ‘Universe,’ a larger intelligence (whatever language you prefer) while imagining that they are at a restaurant. You can do this, too: place an ‘order’ for the future that you DO want. (I like to remind my clients that specificity is key!)
Seek learning and inspiration: find examples and role models of people who did something similar to what you want to do when it worked out beautifully. Let these inspire and soothe your brain. Conversely and counter-intuitively, you could also learn from people who did something similar when it didn’t work out. How did they handle disappointment and how do they feel about their choice now, from their vantage point down the road? Remind yourself that others have survived setbacks and that you would, too.
Remind yourself that you will be ok, no matter what happens: that’s the truth. Invite yourself to believe it. Jot down any evidence that supports this belief.
Seek wise counsel: while we don’t want to outsource our authority, sometimes support is invaluable. Gather a group of people you trust as an Advisory Circle. Ask them to listen to you articulate your dilemma, outline the choices you’re considering and then request what you need: listening, reflection, empathy, validation, advice, encouragement, etc… You don’t have to do this alone. Bonus: you can also imagine what an ancestor or mentor-from-afar would advise to you.
Do not wait to feel ready. Instead, create readiness through taking action: if you’re waiting for 100% certainty (astrology, divine illumination, crystal clear intuition?), I encourage you to let go of the fantasy of certainty. Embrace your beautiful, messy, unfolding life and celebrate the maturity and courage it takes to tolerate uncertainty and make decisions.
Trauma Check:
Your current situation may be triggering trauma: states of overwhelm in the nervous system. If you feel terror, distress, helplessness, out of control or like you’re ‘doomed’ no matter what you choose, you may well be stumbling into activated old trauma. Skilled coaching or therapy can help you untangle what belongs in the past from from what is proportionate to the present situation, so that you can make more conscious decisions.
Related Resources:
Ready: How to Know When to Stay and When to Go, book by David Richo
Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes, book by William Bridges
Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life, book by Richard Rohr
Esther Perel and Jay Shetty in conversation, video (e.g. when is a relationship worth saving?)
Making a decision between staying in a comfortable but unfulfilling situation and pursuing an uncertain, potentially better future is never easy. There are no magic bullets. Embracing the ambiguity, tapping into your inner wisdom and taking strategic steps can help you navigate this challenging crossroads.
Whether you discern that now a time for honoring relative contentment and stability, initiating generative disruption in service of your dreams - or patiently enduring your not-knowing - I’m sending empathy and cheering you on. You’ve got this.
If you want more support to explore your options, gain clarity, and to build your capacity to make committed choices, consider booking a coaching consultation. Let’s work together to empower your midlife decision-making and help you step courageously into a future that aligns with your deepest aspirations.
P.S. If this blog resonates with you, please join my newsletter. Get regular doses of encouragement, inspiration and resources for the changes you want in your life. This fall, I’ll be offering a free workshop on decision-making and, down the road, a group program to women in midlife - so, let’s keep in touch! 💞
Nicola Holmes is a Change & Transition Coach who helps people turn their potent questions, dreams and goals into inspired action. With warmth and wisdom, she’ll guide you to untangle constraints and cultivate courage to create a more aligned and joyful life. She has a BASc in Human Development, an MEd in Adult Learning and spent two decades working in the non-profit sector. Along with coaching for 15 years, she’s mama to two spirited kids and devoted to Buddhism. Having recently experienced long-Covid and a move, she brings empathy to others exploring how they’ve changed and who they’re becoming in turbulent times. Check out Nicola @nicolaholmescoach or join the email party for encouragement to fuel the changes you want (including free coaching opportunities!).