Handling the Storms of Life with Grace

Transitions & ChangePeople & Relationships
Written By Nicola Holmes
Sparkling blue skies and large waves

When Everything Seems To Go Wrong At Once

Sometimes it seems as though everything’s going wrong at once. 

We may encounter a storm in the weather systems of our lives and find ourselves reeling about, trying to orient and protect ourselves amidst turbulent conditions.

This has felt apt for me lately. My recent storms have arisen in the realm of human connection: many relationships in my life have seemed to go off the rails in a short period of time. 

Over the past year, a number of significant friendships and professional relationships have ended, ebbed or hit uncomfortable bumpy patches. I’ve been constantly required to tolerate not-knowing, tension or conflict.

There have been moments when I realized that people aren’t or are no longer available to meet me with a level of mutual investment that I want/ed. Truthfully, I’ve felt a little bruised by the sequence of one bump, loss or disappointment after another - especially because I moved to a new city a few years ago. I’m a highly relational person and I miss my old in-person friends and the robust community that I used to have.

I have felt grief, hurt and uncertainty threaded through my inner landscape and midlife relationship tapestry. Because a few of these relationships have been intimate, anchoring and primary to me, this stormy chapter has felt particularly destabilizing and distressing at times.

Do you relate? Is some area of your life in an unsettled state or do you notice that difficult patterns keep erupting, practically at every turn? 

I want to share about how I’m navigating these tough times in midlife - and also offer my perspective as a coach who often supports clients when they are going through their life storms. 

If you’re traversing career disruption, health challenges, your own relationship upheavals or a series of battering or bewildering challenges in any aspect of your life, I hope this blog helps you find refuge, strength and anchoring amidst the storm.

Cultivating Reflection, Trust and Perspective

I thought I’d share what’s been helping me over the last while and then offer some further tips.

Firstly, I think I’ve done a pretty damn good job of accepting what’s happening. 

Secondly, I’ve named what I perceive and allowed myself to feel my feelings. 

It has helped a lot to have safe containers in which to do these foundational steps: 

  • my journal

  • neutral friends

  • my coach and therapist (yes, I have both right now - what a privilege!)

Thirdly, in addition to paying attention to what I think, feel, need and want, I’ve also tried to stay open to others' inner landscapes, too - especially across differences.

When I’m stressed, it’s as though my lens contracts and I can get caught in my own stories and struggles. So, considering alternate ways of looking at situations and trying to be sensitive as to how others might be experiencing ‘their side of the dance’ has required intention, commitment and stretching. 

I don’t mean to make this process sound easy, because it hasn’t been - but it has been worthwhile and fruitful.

Another thing that has helped is stretching my awareness beyond what I or another person want, by asking:

What wants to happen?

To contemplate this question, I sometimes envision that another person and I are in a river - a river that is bigger than either one of us or our perceptions and desires. I try to sense where the current seems to be carrying each of us and our relationship:

  • Is the flow pulling us apart or inviting us into change or maturation? 

  • Is there a new way to move forward together? 

  • Maybe timing is at play - one of us is caught in an eddy while the other surges ahead in a set of rapids?

This metaphor may sound abstract but it has been surprisingly comforting to me.

Asking this question has helped me relax my grip. I’ve been more able to trust and allow death, birth and change to unfold…guided by a bigger source of wisdom than me.

Paying attention to bigger currents doesn’t take away the pain of hurt, perceived rejection or loss, but I can soften and relax around my suffering a bit - and that helps. I also love the idea that my tears of grief can be part of the river, as it flows and my life flows.

Because I very recently experienced a couple of these relational stressors, I suddenly looked more closely at the June calendar hanging on my office wall and noticed that it felt synchronous and relevant. 

Here’s the art:

Art by iuliastration, 2024 Calendar 

This timely image and message offered surprising solace. I can believe that my future self will have more understanding - even appreciation - for this current storm. 

So, for what it’s worth, that’s been my little four-legged stool:

  1. Allow reality to be as it is (including myself and others)

  2. Name what’s true for me and feel my emotions

  3. Be Curious about what’s true for others - and self-reflective

  4. Ask and sense into a Bigger Picture: What Wants To Happen?

Handling the Storms of Life with Grace

Here are a few more resources and ideas, in case they feel supportive:

  • Yes And… - in improv comedy, there’s a rule that you must support (and not block) the drama. That is, if a player offers a premise, you must accept and engage it. For example, if someone said, “Dad, I need to tell you something,” you have to embrace that role assignment, if you will - and then roll with it. So, how can you say a conscious YES to that storm that is…AND also respond creatively? If you play with this deceptively simple phrase, you may find that you’re less caught in resistance and more available to reality.

  • Am I sure? My spiritual teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh, offered this question to encourage us to reflect on our perceptions.  We often think that we know the ‘truth’ and that our stories and perceptions are correct. If we ask this question, we can loosen our biases and assumptions and widen our view.

  • Who are your supporters? Who are wise and skilful people you can turn to as you navigate the storm? Who do you trust to offer listening, validation, empathy, care - and also perhaps respectful challenge, as well? You might have supportive friends, family or a therapist or coach. Companions can be invaluable and isolation can keep us stuck - so, you may wish to consciously clarify your team of support in the storm.

  • Access broader meaning-making: when we’re stressed, the brain can get laser-focused on a perceived threat. Being in this state is useful if we cross paths with a snake - but if we get stuck in chronic vigilance, it exhausts the mind and body. When we’re in that sympathetic nervous system state, we also lose access to our cerebral frontal cortex - with all its creative and adaptive response capacities. So consider if religion, myth, astrology, nature, philosophy or some other wisdom tradition can enrich your perspective. If nothing else, you’ll remember that you’re not alone - and you may well tap into fresh insight. 

  • Power of the pause: to regulate your nervous system, slow down anytime you need to soothe yourself OR before speaking or acting impulsively. We’ll often fall short here - of course! - and get pulled into reactivity, but it can still be great to aspire to pause. You might put this on a post-it note to cue yourself, to help you do things like: write an email draft to someone you’re upset with and then wait for 48 hours before reviewing and sending it; book a call with a therapist before launching into a hard conversation; write out what you want to express to someone before a sensitive confrontation. Learning to pause and building the mindfulness to do so is a lifelong journey, so be gentle if you experiment with this intention.

  • Authoring - how we tell the story matters. Are you shaping the narrative of this storm in a way that casts you as a victim, a hero… or what archetypal role? Are you telling the details with complexity, nuance or falling into ‘all-or-nothing’ thinking? Consider if you want to re-author or reframe the storm and your role in it. Doing so just might empower or liberate you (…and others!).

  • Coming Apart: How to Heal Your Broken Heart, by Daphne Rose Kingma. Though my recent relationship challenges have not in my partnership, this book was a godsend during a romantic breakup at one point in my life, and I think it’s relevant for any committed, intimate relationships (e.g. friendships, colleagues, mentor-mentee) going through a significant change or ending. If you want to better understand why a relationship may be going through rough patches or ending, check out this book.

If this blog resonates with you, please join my newsletter. I help people live consciously and creatively, even especially in tough times. I’d love to support you as you navigate change and transition - and to keep in touch. 

If you’re in the midst of your own storms, I send a big hug and faith your way. 💞

If you want to share about what’s helping you through your turbulence, please share a comment below!

 

P.S. Coaching can help you navigate life’s storms with grace - so that you have a neutral thought partner to help you reflect, experiment and take intentional steps forward. Please get in touch with me here if you want to explore coaching as a supportive container amidst challenge. I’d love to hear what you need these days. XO

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Nicola Holmes is a Change & Transition Coach who helps people turn their potent questions, dreams and goals into inspired action. With warmth and wisdom, she’ll guide you to untangle constraints and cultivate courage to create a more aligned and joyful life. She has a BASc in Human Development, an MEd in Adult Learning and spent two decades working in the non-profit sector. Along with coaching for 16 years, she’s a mama to two spirited kids and devoted to Buddhism. Having recently experienced Long-Covid and a move, she brings empathy to others exploring how they’ve changed and who they’re becoming in turbulent times. Check out Nicola @nicolaholmescoach or join the email party for encouragement to fuel the changes you want (including free coaching opportunities!).  

Nicola Holmes
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