Creating Change? Tend Your 'Seedlings' With Care
The other day, one of my coaching clients - let’s call her Rae - told me a painful and familiar story.
Sadly, it’s one that I’ve heard from many clients.
Rae is a mom and she also wants to be a visual artist.
She recently got some childcare in place, began researching art classes and places to exhibit her work, and iniating inspiring conversations with established creatives.
When she told her sister about her new path, she was shocked and hurt to be met with this response:
“But do you really think you’re talented enough to do this?”
“And artists always struggle financially,” she added.
“Rae, I just want to help prevent you wasting your time and energy.”
OUCH!
What the heck?
Why is that sometimes our closest people are unable to support us as we take brave new steps – or even directly undermine our efforts?
Tend Your Seedlings with Care
Here’s where what I call the “seedling phenomena” comes in.
If you’re courageously planting seeds of change or even just daring to dream of tender possibilities for your life – especially those that thrill and terrify you in equal measure! – then YOU, my darling, are a precious seedling.
And this next piece of wisdom is for you.
So, here’s the deal:
Let’s take Rae as our example.
One day, she may well be an established artist: thriving, with a studio, daily practice, and many successful exhibits and grant applications under her belt. Drawing on my metaphor, Rae’s creative life, when developed to this extent, might then be akin to a hearty oak tree.
At that point, whenever ‘storms’ of criticism, fear, or judgment from others might blow her way – whether from her sister, a friend, or random ‘haters’ on the internet - you can bet her well-established root system and solid trunk would sustain Rae’s faith in herself and her chosen path and be unlikely to do any lasting damage.
At such a mature stage, Rae would likely know with confidence and clarity that those judgments belong to other people and that she doesn’t need to take them on.
But she’s not that powerful tree right now - and if you’re reading this, you likely aren’t, either!
Here’s the crucial message I want you to hear:
When you are in the seedling stage, you and your process are vulnerable.
Further, nothing’s ‘wrong’ with you for feeling or being this way: fragility is a natural developmental stage of early growth (think plants, babies, any new life form).
So, when you’re a seedling, you damn well deserve protection, boundaries, and very tender cultivation.
Because, at this time, someone’s negativity might be enough to squash your courageous emergent growth.
You almost certainly already grapple with your own inner landscape and toggle between fear and faith, exhilaration and doubt: you do not need to add anyone else’s fears or judgments to your plate.
When you’re a seedling, it may not take much to all to knock you off course.
With a sharp jab of interference or one withering comment delivered at an excruciating moment, you may find yourself putting your dream on the shelf and shuffling back to the familiar status quo, obediently aligning yourself with your family or your culture’s ‘should’s’ or the voices of fear in your own head:
Forget it. Before I take a chance on the creative career my heart dreams of, I better stop wasting my time and money and take that office job like my dad advises.
What the hell was I thinking, contemplating a divorce that feels scary but true? My best friend is right: ‘good people’ stay married.
Protect Your Dreams & Courage
To start, here are the three groups of dream-killers I encourage you to keep your eyes peeled for:
1. Our closest people often hold the most fear for us: they’re not bad or ‘unsupportive,’ but because they love and care for us, they wish to prevent our suffering. Sometimes when they see us pursuing directions they believe won’t serve us well (according to their views), they caution us to avoid the risk of uncertain new paths.
2. The people who will be directly impacted by the choices we make: we should not expect them to be neutral. Your spouse or boss may not be thrilled when you announce that you want to quit your banking job to open a bakery. They’re allowed. If you turn down the opportunity to run your parents’ family business, your choice affects them: their fantasies, retirement/estate planning, and more. They may feel stressed or disappointed. Your dreams, those dear little seedlings, may impact someone else’s life and evoke uncomfortable or painful feelings for them - and that’s ok. [This doesn’t mean your dreams are ‘wrong’ or ‘bad!’]
3. The dream-killers who are living tight, constrained, too-small lives, who unconsciously spray toxic fear and regret over those around them: these friends, family, or colleagues are the ones who often sling passive-aggressive comments that ding you out of nowhere. The friend who’s stuck in her own soul-sucking corporate job recoils when you muse on your freshly articulated longings: “What?! You’re leaving the bank?! Have you not been paying attention to the economy lately? Why would you ever risk letting go of your pension?” Your dad, who never gave himself permission to pursue the love of his life and stayed in a desperately unhappy marriage, doesn’t support your choice to seek a separation or polyamory or not get married.
(In Rae’s case, I learned that her sister has some big creative dreams of her own that she has not yet dared to pursue, making her opinions of Rae highly suspect).
Ok, so you’ve got your seedling and you’re prepared to consciously protect it.
You’ve got three groups of dream-killers to be mindful of.
Now what?
Grab a Piece of Paper and a Pen
Divide the page into two columns.
At the top of the left-hand column, write: My Cheerleaders
In the right-hand column, please pen: Currently Not Allowed to Tend this Seedling
Write down your cheerleaders: the people who are capable to help you care for this particular ‘seedling.’
The ones who will water your wee new root system by holding a stubborn faith in you.
The ones who will fertilize your unfurling first leaves, managing their own reactions and respecting your unfolding path and wisdom.
The ones who will plant a scaffolding stake beside your spindly little stem, because they’ve walked courageous paths and taken wise, bold risks themselves. They recognize truth in another person and they’ve got your back.
The ones who will weed out an encroaching plant or cut back an overhanging branch to let the sun shine, who will encourage you to keep going when you hit fear or can’t see around a limit that just sideswiped your progress.
Peeps who fit those criteria belong on your cheerleading team – and no one else.
If you don’t have enough people in your life to be on this invaluable team, you might want to consider hiring a coach: someone who will cheer on your authentic dreams, help when you stumble and keep you well-resourced for a journey of change.
You can also write down the names of vital, inspiring risk-takers on your cheerleading list: people who you just know would be whooping for your seedling, by virtue of the lives they live/d.
It is written in the Talmud (the encyclopedic compilation of Jewish moral and ethical debate) that, “every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, ‘grow, grow.’”
Celebrate Your Supporters & Role Models
The aspiring singer might put Nina Simone on her list and listen to interviews to remind herself of the trials and tribulations that Nina endured on her winding roads, knowing that this icon would want her to pursue her dreams, contribute her unique gifts to the world, and to not play small.
The 54 year-old pursuing a new career path might write down examples of others who also dared to make a bold change in a similar life season.
Finally, just as important as knowing who your cheerleaders ARE, head to the other column and:
Write down the people who are NOT permitted the privilege of accompanying you firsthand – for now.
These are those whose permission and opinion you will not seek, whose ear you won’t invite when you need listening, and with whom you won’t attempt to celebrate your latest milestone or brainstorm a hurdle.
I encourage you to not waste your precious energy trying to convert those folks into your cheerleading team or raging against them (outwardly or inwardly) for the support they are unable and/or unwilling to give you.
Please save your energy for the path you’re walking, the life you want, the commitments, projects, relationships and explorations that feel most true to you.
It’s seedling time:
You are absolutely entitled to set boundaries in order to care for your dreams.
In fact, from my perspective, YOU MUST.
Of course, to be clear, you’ll talk to a partner, friend, boss or parent, in due time about things that need to be addressed or negotiated – but they aren’t invited to be part of your cheerleading team at the nascent stage, when they’re not well-suited to the task.
Perhaps when you’re a sapling, maybe when you’re an established tree, almost certainly when you’re wizened old stock, you may choose to expose yourself to any audience you please.
In that future, you’ll no doubt be delighted and amazed at your resilience.
But for now, sweet little seedling, for now - and I’m talking to Rae and so many of my clients and perhaps YOU – this is the season to fiercely protect yourself.
Your vision, your longings, your energy, your daring, your tiny steps and your big leaps, they deserve - and require - your utmost care and the best possible community of support.
It’s going to take everything you’ve got to manage yourself and stay the course – so, reach out to your encouraging cheerleaders, set your boundaries, and here’s to YOU cultivating important new growth.
Please let me know your thoughts and or any next steps in the comments below.
I’d love to hear them.
P.S. If you want more on bolstering your courage to live a life that’s true to you, and not letting others hold you back, please check out Brene Brown in her talk, “Why Your Critics Aren’t the Ones Who Count.”
P.P.S. If you want to consider the beauty and power of tending your life, more broadly - check out the blog, When We Tend To Our Lives, They Bloom.
I share about the power of attention and intention, and how we can create more beauty and flourishing.
I pay special attention to how people may struggle to bring their dreams to life or with patterns of burnout and depletion - and offer tips to help you thrive
Nicola Holmes is a Life Coach who helps people turn their potent questions, dream and longings into inspired action. With warmth and wisdom, she’ll guide you to untangle constraints and cultivate courage to create a more aligned and joyful life. She has a BASc in Human Development, an MEd in Adult Learning and spent two decades working in the non-profit sector. Along with coaching for the past 14 years, she’s mama to two young spirited kids and dedicated to Buddhism. Having experienced long Covid and a move over the past two years, she brings deep empathy to others who are exploring how they’ve changed and who they’re becoming in turbulent times. Check out Nicola @nicolaholmescoach or join the email party for inspiration and resources to fuel the changes you want.