How to Handle Self-Doubt in the Midst of Change
Today is the last day I’m sharing a written blog post with you.
This is because change lies ahead and (drum roll, please)…..
I’m starting a podcast in March!
The transition to the new medium starts now.
I’ve been dreaming about this for months and can’t quite believe I’m really turning it into a reality: I’ve hired a podcast editor, set a launch date, and ordered my recording gear.
The equipment is here (right in my hands)... I’m thinking of podcast names (behind me)….eep, it’s getting real!
I can’t wait to connect with you in a new way - and I hope you’ll love the podcast.
However, truth be told, in addition to my excitement, I’m also a little freaked out!
I notice that I’m dragging my feet when it comes to further preliminary actions: committing to a name, writing a description, or outlining the topics for my first few episodes.
I’m thinking about the steps that need to happen but I’m avoiding actually taking them.
Do you have anything like this in your life right now? Do you find yourself:
putting off tasks, conversations or exploratory steps that intimidate you?
coming up with excuses when it comes to pushing GO on a new project or habit?
excited - but also seriously anxious - about turning a dream into a reality?
Well, you’re not alone.
When people work with me, they often encounter moments of feeling both thrilled and scared - and it’s not at all uncommon that they hit moments of overwhelm, totally stall out, or want to backpedal on actualizing their heartfelt longings.
It’s just so dang par for the course to get daunted and insecure in the face of change!
But I don’t want fear to get the best of you or stop you in your tracks.
It turns out there’s a handy framework (with a totally nerdy, unsexy name!) that explains why self-doubt rears up predictably on the path of transformation.
I’d love to share it with you today: if you’ve got something important to bring to life - big or small - and you’re avoiding taking action or surprised at how hard the process is, please don’t miss this one.
I promise these insights will help you extend greater compassion to yourself - and boost your courage and confidence to keep going (or get started).
All right, so the model I want to illumine here is called the:
Stages of Competence
A management trainer named Martin Broadwell developed it in the late 1960’s and initially coined it “the four levels of teaching.”
Not only am I relying on this model when feeling overwhelmed about the podcast project but I’ve also found myself referencing it to numerous clients lately.
One such dear client, let’s call her Rosa, is bravely starting a new business and embracing a life mission that lights her up - neither of which are exactly mainstream or that her family will likely fully understand or appreciate, at least right off the hop.
After a couple months of enthusiastically drafting ideas, refining her own sense of purpose and clarifying her strategy, Rosa’s now developing offers for the community she’d love to serve.
The last time we connected, she told me that creating ‘real workshops for real people’ was stirring up some imposter syndrome (“Who the hell am I to _______?!”) and seriously shaking her confidence.
Another client, let’s call her Adrienne, is building her life up from a personal ‘Ground Zero’ - within only a few years, she’s experienced the death of a spouse, her child departing for university (and then coming back again), moving from a suburbia to a downtown condo, AND recently wrapping up a long-time leadership role at a bank and entering a chapter of unemployment.
She’s now dreaming of living in Spain and offering writing classes to coastal tourists and locals - possibly while pitching and publishing romantic novels on the side.
In short, so much has changed in Adrienne’s life in a relatively short amount of time - and the directions she wants to move in are so unprecedented that at moments her longings and considerations seem to her to be terribly risky, even foolish.
After exuberantly describing to me how she would love to create a life full of writing and creativity near the ocean, with her eyes lit up and her voice bright, her shoulders will slump or she’ll drop her chin onto her palm with a frown and say,
“Is this just crazy talk, Nic? Am I ridiculous to dream about this stuff?”
To my mind, no, she’s not being ridiculous. Her dreams are not silly or impossible to realize.
Not at all.
Her longings are just bold and would require navigating another BIG set of transitions.
If you’re bravely embarking on change in your life or daring to go after your dreams, it’s totally normal to hit moments of uncertainty and self-doubt - and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong!
So, here’s where the Stages of Competence framework comes in, for my clients, for me, and - if you’re still reading - probably for you.
Ok, so the idea is that there are four predictable stages of learning anything new - I’d argue this applies to skills and competencies and also contexts, beliefs, and our very sense of identity.
Stage One: Unconscious Incompetence
Stage One is like the precursor to actual change; it’s when you’re fantasizing about new possibilities - and in your mind, doing them feels easy and amazing.
You have no idea how little you know - it’s the bliss of ignorance. ;)
Me: Cool!! I love podcasts and I’m going to create one, too! Woo hoo!
Rosa: I’m finally going to be making my own thing happen and my workshops are going to rock!
Adrienne: Think of it: sailing and writing - a more creative life than I’ve ever dared! Swoon.
You can stay in this dreamy noodling stage forever - the antidote is a reality check or doing some research to learn about what it really takes or might mean to bring your dream to life.
Stage Two: Conscious Incompetence
Then the rubber meets the road and you start attempting or moving towards your new goal and realize how incompetent you actually are - or how deeply unfamiliar the new terrain is.
This is the stage where self-doubt thrives, mistakes abound, and we feel disoriented and inept.
There’s no neural programming established in your brain for what you’re trying to do: things feel really hard!
You may be tempted to give up on yourself, struggle to discern a wise intuitive path forward - or be shocked by the contrast between the breezy and wonderful path you wandered in your imagination and the painful reality-check you’re now experiencing.
Me: What’s a good podcast name? Does this description even work? I’m paying an editor - eek!
Rosa: Holy sh*t, Nicola. Actually writing my first workshop outline is brutal!
Adrienne: Should I truly consider this half-baked dream? My friends are going to think I’ve gone off the deep end! (Sometimes just trying to wrap our head around something new is mind-blowing).
Making mistakes is not only okay in this stage, it’s a big part of how we learn.
So, yup, you’ve got to ditch perfectionism, embrace vulnerability, and handle bumps and bruises along the way (depending on what you’re trying to learn: perhaps literal, perhaps metaphorical).
Along with surrendering to your learning curve, the best thing you can do in Stage Two is to reach out for mentorship and support from trusted and more experienced guides.
(Think of a cheering parent running behind you as you tried to figure out how to ride a bike!)
Stage Three: Conscious Competence
If you stick with Stage Two long enough then one day something will click and you’ll realize, “Oh my goodness! I’m doing ____________!” OR “______________ is really happening.”
It’s still a conscious learning stage because doing the new thing still takes every ounce of your concentration - and you may still feel very much the beginner - but you will be off and away.
You’ve established a basic level of competence.
My fantasy for March/April 2020:
Me: Ah! I actually have a podcast and I’ve created the first episode! (It’s still hard).
Rosa: I’m delivering my workshop - it’s taking everything I’ve got. But I’m DOING IT!
Adrienne: I’m booking a flight to Spain to go research a few local economies, meet other writers and artists in the area, and I’m sketching out a business plan - holy moly!
This is when your mom or dad could let go of your bike and you’re wobbling - but rolling!
At this stage, you’ve got to practice, practice, practice and you likely still need to reference a lot of guidance (taking courses, reading reference manuals, watching Youtube DIY videos, etc…).
You’re able to gather new evidence and you’re likely building your confidence. Trusted feedback remains invaluable. Celebrate your efforts and small wins. Keep on!
Stage Four: Unconscious Competence
You can see where this is going.
As you keep chipping away at your new project or relationship or living in a different place, one day, you realize you’re doing or experiencing that ‘new normal’ without even thinking about it.
The thing that was once so gruelling and effortful is… if not easy, well, second nature.
What once felt foreign eventually became your new territory of comfort and competence: the learning got wired into your brain at an unconscious or habitual level.
My fantasies for 2023:
Me: It’s been a few years doing my podcast and I can’t imagine life without it!
Rosa: I’ve turned my best four workshops into an online course; they’ve come a long way.
Adrienne: I now live in Spain six months a year, I’m written my first novel - and my friends not only understand my choices but they’re asking me to help them create change in their lives!
At this stage, enjoy the ease. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!
Until you notice yourself edging into boredom and find yourself fantasizing about another new path or level of mastery… and then you’ll know that it’s time to rinse and repeat the cycle!
Can’t Go Over It, Can’t Go Under It
Let me tell you something kind of obvious, but just to be clear: there is no skipping Stage One or Two, those pesky zones of incompetence.
The only way to build new skills or create new anything is to be a beginner and then make your way through the process of learning and development - and it takes the time it takes.
I’m a mom to two kids under five and we’ve got a book called, “Going on a Bear Hunt” that has a singing little refrain that repeats every time the characters encounter new terrain.
So, when the family approaches a river, a forest or a snow storm, this is what we chant:
Can’t go over it, can’t go under it, can’t go around it, gotta go through it!
This is a useful mantra you can adopt when you’re in that dreadfully uncomfortable place of finding yourself “consciously incompetent.”
I’ve also made up a further little acronym that you can use at these Stage Two moments: NAPS.
I’m not suggesting that you aim to just avoid this stage with sleep (it won’t work!) - but I do hope this wee prescription provides relief and respite:
Normalize that You’re in Stage Two | Consciously Incompetent = you’re learning
Accept the discomfort (fear, self-doubt) and be gentle with yourself
Patience & Practice: let yourself take ‘baby steps’
Support is key: reach out for guidance, mentorship, and help
When it comes to support, remember that you don’t only need to ask for it from others but that you can give it to yourself.
One simple way to do this is to bring to mind your past learning curves.
Remember how hard it once was to do something in the past that is now a piece of cake for you or how discombobulating it was to take a particular risk (that you’ve come through just fine).
Give yourself a pep talk when needed - remind yourself of what you’ve already accomplished or created and know that you can do a version of that again.
So, self doubt on the path of change and learning?
Yes, you gotta go through the tough patches - but you can do so with NAPS. :)
If this post doesn’t feel like it’s going to cut it and you want even more in this vein, please check out my post on ‘When Pursuing Your Dreams Feels… Awful.’
Or if you just want some short and sweet practical tips to get cracking right now, try: 8 Things to Get You Moving When You Don’t Feel Like It.
Rosa, Adrienne - and Me (Real Time)
Rosa just wrote me an email saying, “Oh my gosh, Nicola, I did my mock workshop rehearsal and got a much better handle on both my strengths and areas for growth. I still feel nervous but I’m also getting excited again - and I’m experiencing this underlying sense of #I’veGotThis.” Yes!
Adrienne is still very much in Stage Two, but she’s bravely starting to reach out to set up Information Interviews with authors and writing teachers, inspiring entrepreneurs and other people who have created vibrant second careers in their 50’s. Woo hoo!
Me? I’m pushing on with my podcast - surveying a focus group for title feedback, declaring my intentions publicly (which makes it feel waaaaaay more real) and scheduling in action items. (2024 update: the pandemic and long-Covid knocked me absolutely backwards and sideways for a couple of years, so my podcast got put on the shelf for now).
This is the wobbly, tender way we learn, change and grow: walking through the tangles of self-doubt, experimenting and taking risks as we go.
What’s the Alternative?
Again, there IS no magic bullet to getting around Stages Two or Three.
The only option I see is that we deliberately avoid new growth and stay in the familiar conditions, relationships and roles where we can cling to predictability and competence.
Remain in our ‘comfort zones’ where we don't have to take risks, feel foolish, or make a bunch of mistakes.
There, we can also:
Play small, stagnate, and/or get bored
Feel irritated by our patterns of fearful resistance and avoidance
Ignore stubborn little whispers from our hearts or dismiss ‘preposterous’ ideas that just won’t stop popping up, no matter how many times we try to whack-a-mole them down
Think the same thoughts, say the same things, do the same things - and get the same old results
So, given the options, I’m voting for your evolution and new learning.
Wrap Up
The bad news is that change is uncomfortable and hard every time.
But the good news is that it’s hard every time - and navigating that is how you grow into a stronger, wiser, and more resourceful version of yourself and create a life you love.
I promise, when you’re in that Stage Two - trembling with self-doubt - just keep on embracing those NAPS and, like Dr. Suess says, “you’ll get to great places!”
Normalize your experience.
Accept discomfort.
Patience & Practice - take baby steps.
Support yourself.
One day, an older, wiser version of you will look back at this moment from your new horizons.
You will be full of gratitude for all the courage and hard work that got you there - and if you could - I bet that you would reach out and give your younger self a hug and say, “Way to go: you did it.”
Your Stage Two really did turn into Stage Three... and then Four - and the only way was through.
You’ve got this.
P.S. If you want to explore having a coach in your corner as you courageously explore new personal or professional terrain, I’d love to connect with you. Let’s have a (no pressure!) chat and see if I could help you navigate your way forward.
P.P.S. For more steps you can take when feeling overwhelmed or immobilized in the face of brave new goals, please check out my recent Facebook Live. It’s a loving pep talk with practical tips designed to help you be gentle with yourself, calm your sweet nervous system, and get your projects and life-in-general feeling oh so doable. XO, N
Nicola Holmes is a Life Coach who helps people turn their potent questions, dream and longings into inspired action. With warmth and wisdom, she’ll guide you to untangle constraints and cultivate courage to create a more aligned and joyful life. She has a BASc in Human Development, an MEd in Adult Learning and spent two decades working in the non-profit sector. Along with coaching for the past 14 years, she’s mama to two young spirited kids and dedicated to Buddhism. Having experienced long Covid and a move over the past two years, she brings deep empathy to others who are exploring how they’ve changed and who they’re becoming in turbulent times. Check out Nicola @nicolaholmescoach or join the email party for inspiration and resources to fuel the changes you want.